Matthew 10:16
Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst
of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.
Someone who is healthy, fit and strong can take care of herself. She is self-sufficient, working a job to earn money for food, clothing, shelter – and fun, too. She can get herself to and from work and wherever else she might like to go, she can feed herself, dress herself, and keep her body maintained, as well as her housing. She does not need to depend on anyone particular, as she is a fully functioning part of society.
But, someone who is not healthy, fit or strong
cannot take care of herself. She is
completely and directly dependent upon others for food, clothing, shelter – for
survival. She has no money with which to
buy the things that she needs and, even if she did, she cannot physically put
the food in her mouth, put the clothes on her body, or even move from one point
to another. If she were to be alone
without another human being for more than two days, she would die. I know because this is a description of me.
And it’s scary.
The only reason that I am not scared every day is
that the little world of my family is a loving and gentle place. My loved ones are not wolves. They do not prey upon me in my vulnerability,
but, rather, pray for me. They are not
heartless and careless, but, rather, thoughtful and attentive. They are not selfish and stingy, but, rather,
kind and generous. My parents are living
examples of sacrificial love – willing to give up their own time, energy,
resources, and even physical comfort for my sake, so that I may survive and
even thrive. I am grateful every moment
of every day for them, without end.
But…. They
are getting older.
After 30 years of taking care of my physical needs
all by themselves, we began getting assistance from home health aides a few
hours a day, 2 to 5 days a week. Right
now, it’s four days a week for a total of 11 hours – assuming no one calls out. I won’t say that it’s easy having strangers
come and give me personal care. It’s a
lot like, “Hi, I’m Christina. Would you
like to see my bum?” But, although the
women who come start off as complete unknowns, after getting to know each other
we usually like each other and get along very well. In fact, although I have had many aides for
only one day, those that last longer have been good people, genuine caregivers,
no wolves among them. Although,
sometimes one might be a little rough or another a little sloppy, they
generally give adequate care and sometimes even more than adequate.
The problem is that they are not my loved
ones. I cannot completely depend upon
them because they have their own lives.
If my parents suddenly can’t take care of me because of their own health
issues, none of them will jump into the 24/7 care. Right now, my mother is unable to take care
of me because of her severely injured back.
It’s all upon my dad… who woke up from back pain himself this morning. And with one of my home health aides
unavailable for much of the summer, the other one has had to fill in – even
though she herself has back problems and I know that I am breaking her, too.
And that’s when I think about the world in which I
live, my own helplessness, and how scary it all is.
I don’t want to go into a nursing home. What fully cognitive person of 40 would? Yet I know that this is my ultimate
fallback. And, truly, I am grateful to
live in a society where someone like me will always be taken care of
physically, one way or another. We are
not such a cruel and heartless people that we will allow the most vulnerable
citizens of our country to perish because of disability. Well, so far we aren’t. So far, so good. I know that I might very well end up in a
nursing home one day, and I know that it will scare me. Yes, physically, I would be in fatal trouble
if I were without another human being for more than a day (dehydration is very
serious for such a small, fragile body as mine) but, mentally, I would not make
it more than an hour without another human being within earshot. I have a terrible, paralyzing phobia of not
being able to be heard. Even a few
minutes without someone responding to me makes me realize how utterly and
completely helpless I am and I just freak out.
The wolfish fears of my mind have the power to devour me.
You know how believers always profess to love and
trust in God? I do that. I profess to love God and to want to give my
whole self to God, and to let Divine Will, not my will, be done. But do I really mean it? My test is this: if something horrible
happened to my parents and sister and I had to live in a nursing home with
nurses and aides who begrudgingly looked after my survival needs but who were
not kind, who were mean – if this was my life, would I still love God? Would I still thank God every day that I am
alive? Would I still be the accepting,
joyful and loving person that I am?
Sometimes, I let the full terror of this scenario fall upon me, the dark
misery of it, and my deep, deep answer is: Yes.
That’s what commitment is. That’s
what faith is. I will love and serve God
no matter what, no matter how painful, no matter how horrifyingly difficult it
may be to live up to my beliefs. I will
not betray my love!
But I pray that I will not be put to the test!
The truth is that everyone everywhere is
vulnerable. We, as human beings, are all
dependent in some way. First of all, of
course, we are dependent upon God for existence itself. Then, we are dependent upon the created
order, upon the earth and the resources of earth, for our survival. And let’s not forget our absolute dependency
in the womb, as well as our dependency upon adults in our infancy and early
childhood. Our dependency continues –
even if we are physically healthy, fit and strong, for it is rare to find a
hermit who does not receive something from someone or a self-sufficient
survivalist who has not hoarded up a collection derived from others’ work. And we know that the world can be a rough
place. Getting employment and housing
can be difficult, living in a safe neighborhood is never a guarantee. There are thieves and liars and murderers
everywhere that humans live. And even
the kindest, gentlest people can be victims of horrendous crimes. We are often sheep among wolves.
So, what are we to do? We are to remain gentle. We are to be loving and kind, selfless and
generous. But, we don’t want to be
mindless. To be thoughtful is to think
of others as they are – beloved children of God who do not always live up to
the divine image in which they are created.
Sometimes, people turn away from their humanity and become ravenous in
their self-centeredness, using up others and tossing them away. We must be mindful of that. But we must not harden our hearts against
them. We must never seek to give them a
taste of their own medicine – for then we would become vicious ourselves. No, rather, we must be smart and use reason
to work around people’s tendencies toward evil acts. If I end up in a nursing home, I will know to
use my sweetness, my patience and understanding in a very obvious and outward
way, so as to disarm people in their brisk harshness and unthinking. I will use my wits to discover their
vulnerabilities – and I will have true sympathy. I will do my best to become a friend to them
– and then they will be more willing to be a friend to me. And if this doesn’t work? I will never turn mean myself. I will try my best not to be vicious toward
them. Rather, I will accept the fullness
of my vulnerability. I will be as
harmless as a dove. And perhaps,
someday, in some way, this will be for someone a sign of the Holy Spirit.
© 2014
Christina Chase
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