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Christina Chase

Servant

I want to be of some use.  But I don't want to be used.

Matthew 20:27

And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant:

We don't want to be anyone's fool.  We won't let anyone put one over on us or walk all over us.  We are strong.  We are independent.  We can think for ourselves, thank you very much, and don't need anyone telling us what to do -- or what not to do.  If one of us is asked to do some menial task, we think that such a thing is beneath us and say to the person asking, "I'm not your servant!"

We will not be used.

But...

Are we of any use to anyone but ourselves?  What happens when we are the ones using ourselves for fruitless pursuits, enslaving ourselves to our own whims and selfishness?  I'll tell you what happens: we become the worst kind of fools -- our own fools.

I was once self-centered.

When I was an atheist, I spoke like an atheist, I thought like an atheist, I reasoned like an atheist.  When I became a believer, I put away with atheistic things.

I was not a mean and nasty atheist, angry at the world, disgusted with people.  I was one of those secular humanist kind of atheists, appreciating beauty and kindness, concerned with the plight of others, and wanting to make the world a better place.  You would not have known by my interactions with people, by my words or by my actions that I was a "godless heathen".  But, well... I was.  I did what I wanted and what I wanted was what made me feel good about myself.  That very sentence can describe many people -- including those who claim belief in, and love for, God. 

The thing is, even when I might have said or done something that was of service to another, I cannot say that I did it purely for that other.  My act of kindness was not a selfless act, it was not true charity, because I was doing it to bring myself pleasure.  You know that pleasure that you get when you do something good for another person?  It gives you a kind of lift and can lead you to think very lovely things about yourself, and you are happy for that moment.  In this way, I can see how some people could actually get addicted to do-gooding.  But, what kind of good does it really do?  The other person who was helped is benefited.  But am I who did it?  I don't think so. 

You see, there were always people, who I helped out in some way, who did not experience the same pleasure as I did from my action.  Sometimes, they received my kindness with ingratitude.  Sometimes giving meanness in return.  And, believe me, I snapped back at those people in a hurry.  "You don't want me to help you?  Fine, then.  Suffer.  See if I care."  Because, well, I really didn't.  I centered all of my goodness, my talents and gifts, my beauties and strengths, in myself.  I did these things, I deserved full credit, I, I, I....  I hoarded any good quality of mine like a treasure.  I might pay out some of it somewhere if I thought it was a good investment and would give me a pleasurable return.  But, if it didn't, then I would withdraw very quickly.  I was self-centered.

And then I became God-centered.

What does it mean to be God-centered?  Well, it could be explained in many ways, but to explain the difference between being self-centered and God-centered, I'll continue along the same lines that I wrote above.  As an atheist, I gave full credit to myself (including my genetics and experiences) for any of my gifts and talents, and anything that I thought, said, and did that was good, true, or beautiful (I was the determining judge of what was good, true, or beautiful, anyway).  But, as a believer, I give full credit to God (the true judge of truth, being Truth Itself) for all of my gifts and talents, and everything good, true, and beautiful in my thoughts, words, and actions.  God is the treasure and the treasure house.  God is the center.  And, by the love and mercy of God, God chooses to dwell within me.  Not because I deserve this.  But because God loves.

It's like this.  God created human beings in His own image and likeness and saves us from our sins, from our waywardness (a kind of drunk-on-self stumbling stagger, which is life that ends in death) by becoming one of us.  Christ sanctifies all of humanity through his Incarnation, Passion, Death, Resurrection, and Ascension: the Paschal Mystery.  And when we choose to enter into the life of Christ, we first enter into the death of Christ -- and then we are reborn.  And we are not reborn in order that we may serve ourselves, our own whims and pleasures.  We are born again from above in order that we may truly become ourselves by serving others.  It is that entering into the death of Christ that allows us to truly be of use -- without being used.  We Christians sometimes say that we "die to self".  And that can sound kind of scary and weird to non-Christians -- even to Christians who have not come to a fuller understanding of Christ's sacrifice, yet.  But, you see, it is by emulating Christ, in giving ourselves away, that we are able to fully recognize God as the center and then able to give tirelessly and selflessly from the Divine treasure house within each of us.  No need to hoard.  And no need to be thanked or even recognized for the good service given to the other.  All glory to God.  For we are doing what we simply must do as true believers.  In much the same way, a rose must breathe sweetly and a flooded stream flow quickly.  It is the true nature of who we are and we cannot weary of it as long as we remain who we are. 

And, so, as a believer, I know that I can be of use to others without ever being used.  If someone wants half of my desert, then I should offer them the whole thing.  If someone needs help with a computer problem, I should patiently give it and not begrudge one moment extra spent doing more than might be "necessary".  Yes, this is the God-centered life.  (God, help me live it!)  And it can be tiring, and thankless, and even lonely, sometimes.  But, the greatest human that ever lived, and ever will live, was humiliated, abandoned, tortured, and killed cruelly.  And, yet... He was willing to go through it all for the sake of the very ones who hurt Him... and so He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  To be like Him is more than a good idea, a pleasure, or something that might be rewarded -- it is simply and profoundly who I am as a human being, first, foremost, and always. 

© 2014 Christina Chase

To Confound the Things Which Are Mighty

Nothing but a cripple.

1 Corinthians 1:25-27

Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:

But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was a cripple.  (I can use that word, because my body is crippled, too.)  The world was kept from knowing the extent of Roosevelt's disability by the compensation tricks he developed to give the appearance of his walking -- and also by the willingness of journalists to keep secret his difficulties in getting out of automobiles.  Why did he have to hide the fact of his weak legs from others?  Because Roosevelt wanted to lead the people as President of the United States, and he believed, as they believed -- that a true leader cannot be perceived as weak in any way.

What is physical strength? 

Because Ken Burns documentary film on the Roosevelts is on my mind, let's continue for a moment with Franklin Roosevelt -- a physically disabled man who used a wheelchair, and who not only became President, but also became the strongest and most influential president of the 20th century.  He was a great world leader, a man of confidence, vitality, strength, and action.  He was not a weakling.  No one knew him to be a pushover -- even though he could have easily been pushed over by the slightest jostle when he was ambulating on his braces and crutches.  The fact is that the paralyzing effects of polio did not diminish Franklin Roosevelt's inner vitality and confident action.  In fact, because his paralysis made him physically weak and dependent on others for daily acts of survival, he developed a strong, intimate compassion for others who felt helpless.  Enduring his own sufferings made his heart and his resolve stronger.  Being fatigued more easily in the body, he grew more tireless in his mind.  Some experts believe that he might never have become president at all, if not for the timing delay that the polio caused for his candidacy.  Most experts agree that his muscle wasting illness made him, instead of just president, a great president.

So, again, I ask: what is physical strength?

I have often been told that I am an inspiration.  And I have often wondered why.  Most of the people who have told me this have done so after knowing me for only a few minutes.  Usually, I don't have to say much of anything at all except the usual casual pleasantries.  I know it's because of the wheelchair.  They see me all crippled up and crumpled up and they, if they are normally functioning humans, feel a kind of pity, or sorrow, or even scared, nervous repulsion.  Exactly the kind of reactions that Franklin Roosevelt did not want to elicit.  But, then they see my smile.  They look into the intelligence of my eyes and witness my genuine joy, smiling across my whole expressive face, they hear the normalcy of my voice -- and they are surprised.  No one expects joyful strength from someone who is physically weak.  Those who personally witnessed Franklin Roosevelt's physical struggles, and knew something of the suffering and the fatigue that his disability caused him, admired him with a deeper intensity than those who only received the illusion of physical mobility.  They got to experience, as we do now, the fullness of who he was as a person and exactly how brave he was -- how strong. 

That's something people have also told me: that I'm brave.  But... I don't really know what they expect me to do.  Should I dampen my natural tendency to joy because of the underlying sorrow of my disease?  I mean, I don't like not being able to walk.  And I am frustrated, disappointed, and annoyed that other people have to take care me.  Hate is a strong word and I rarely use it -- I will say that I hate to exaggerate -- but, the way that I feel about my utter physical dependency on others... we could say that I hate it.  Do I let that take over my life and who I am?  No.  Mainly, because I am loved.  And being loved, being truly loved and knowing it, is a kind of freedom.  I, who I am as a person, body, mind, heart, and soul, does not need to be chained by my chains.  We all have limitations, all unique, some more obvious than others, some more minute-by-minute limiting than others.  But, there is no limit to love.  Real love.

It may very well be impossible for you to do some particular thing.  It was impossible for Franklin Roosevelt to walk unaided.  It's impossible for me to walk at all -- it's also impossible for me to scratch my head, wipe my bottom, feed myself, etc..  However -- and this is very big and important, way beyond wishful thinking, justifications, or petty comforts -- I am not limited in becoming who I am created to be.  I may not get my way.  But, if I am willing and cooperative, then all of who I am (especially including my limitations) will result in the accomplishment of Divine Will.  God's way is above my way.

No matter what your limitations, there are no limitations placed upon your ability to be fulfilled in who you are.  A hero, a martyr, a warrior, a mystic, a sage, a saint -- all are within the possibilities of every human person.  Should somebody not even be able to utter a word or express any kind of personal communication, he or she still has the ability to teach.  God, who created each and every one of us, has given each and every one of us the particular abilities needed to reach our full potentials and to become great in God's sight.  We will not all become President of the United States or any other kind of a world recognized leader -- but everybody has the ability to lead.  By following God's love, we can not only become who we are destined to be, but we can also lead others to their destinies.  The very fact that we are simple, that we are small, the very fact that we are seen as foolish to many, the very fact that we are pitifully weak -- that is how we become able.  It is how Jesus saved the world -- just look at a crucifix. 

It is through the human wounds that we can see the Divine.

Unpublished work © 2014 Christina Chase

 

Of a Good Courage

Yes, what the world needs now is love.  And also courage. 

Joshua 1:8-9

This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

We think of having courage as having no fear -- but that's not so.  Bravery is not the absence of fear.  It is the willingness to face what one fears.  Often, we think of firefighters, police officers, and soldiers as being courageous, walking into burning buildings, chasing down bad guys, putting their lives on the line in horrific combat.  I say that the men and women who do these things out of real love -- in order to save the helpless and protect the innocent, defending others with their own life's blood if need be -- they are, indeed, courageous.  Heroes.  But, those who, through a kind of arrogance, force themselves to walk into danger for their own vainglory -- well, there's no courage in that.  Only willfulness. 

For where there is no real love, there is no real courage.

If you're willing to face what is scary because you're figuring that you will profit somehow by it, then you are simply gambling.  You are taking a risk, a mighty huge risk that may give you some trepidation, but one that is calculated toward a particular reward.  I don't mean that there is anything wrong with this boldness in and of itself (although, there may certainly be something wrong about the means and/or the end) I just mean to say that it isn't the holy kind of courage akin to a life of divine virtue.  The holy kind of courage is the kind spoken of in the Bible.  It's what Christ has.  It's what the Holy Spirit can inspire in each and every one of us.

Let's think for a moment about everyday courage, which is, quite possibly, the best kind of courage there is.  Perhaps, you will never have the opportunity to run into or flee from a burning building with people trapped inside, perhaps you'll never come face-to-face with a gunman.  Chances are, you probably won't.  But, every so often, perhaps every day, you will have to spend time with someone that you don't like.  Or you will come to a merger with a stranger in line or in traffic.  Or you'll be disappointed by something that you tried and failed. Or you will be slighted by someone that you love.  Or you'll get sick.  What then?  What will you do?

Will you be strong and of a good courage and listen to that person that you don't like for his or her own sake, attentive to his or her needs? 

Will you defer to that stranger in line or in traffic with no expectations of thanks or even acknowledgment, sacrificing your moment for the stranger’s? 

Will you accept your own failures, setbacks, and disappointment and keep trying to do what you believe is right even though you know that you may never succeed? 

Will you forgive the slight of your loved one and not hold it in grudge? 

Will you patiently bear your sickness in a kind of loving solidarity with all people who suffer, without lashing out to make others near you feel pain? 

Do you have the courage to face your fears, to face your dislikes, irritations, annoyances, and sufferings, out of real love and concern for someone other than yourself?  If so, if you find yourself practicing some small, everyday sacrifice for love, then, my friend, you are courageous.  You are a hero.  A hero that will never receive an award or accolade, a hero that may never even be recognized, not even by himself or herself, as a hero -- but who will be known as a hero in that moment through the eternal reaches beyond time and space.

Actions speak so much louder than words.  And the smallest actions can resound the most greatly.  All teachings of goodness and justice, of mercy and compassion, of helpfulness and healing, are not taught in order to be taught.  All wise and loving teachings must be meditated upon, must be pondered in the heart and taken to heart, so that they may be lived. 

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you know that if you do what is truly right and good you will probably suffer in doing it -- and then you do it anyway... that, my friend, is real love.  Real courage.  Because real love requires a good courage.  Will you be eternally rewarded for it?  Some say that you will.  Some say that you will not.  Do it anyway.

Unpublished work © 2014 Christina Chase

What We Shall Be

Bible Bursts 7

From Mystery to Mystery...

1 John 3:2-3

Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.

And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure.

A mighty oak tree grows large in size and bulk, outstretching its massive arms to cast the life below it in shade.  And, yet, it puts forth as its offspring the small and humble acorn.  Such a nut looks whole and sufficient unto itself.  It is pleasing to the eye, with its smooth, round, tapering body and its darker, textured cap as its head.  Its likeness is used for adornment in furniture and works of art, a motif that is readily recognizable.  And it is also useful just as it is.  An acorn is a delicate and delicious food, with a pleasing, soft crunch, that is sought after by squirrels, pigs, and humans alike.  And, yet, we humans don't delight in the eating of an acorn as much as we do other nuts from other trees and plants -- perhaps, because we know the full identity of an acorn.  From the mighty and noble oak does the acorn come -- and to the future destiny of a mighty and noble oak shall the acorn go, given the right conditions.

Like acorns are we.

We are small, but seemingly whole and sufficient unto ourselves.  There is harmony in the human shape and form.  Our looks are pleasing to ourselves, the most beautiful among us lauded for their beauty.  And we can be very useful, too -- to ourselves and our fellow human beings, as well as to other life forms on our planet.  Imaginative and industrious, we seem to fulfill our purpose as a species by our individual and collective accomplishments.  Yes, we are different than other animals, but it seems as though we are just more highly evolved animals -- more refined nuts.

And, yet... yet this is not the fullness of our identities.

In our present earthly forms, which are beautiful and strong, creative and productive, it is easy to think that this is all that there is of us.  Difficult is it to think that we are the sons and daughters of God -- for God is, surely, far too infinitely mighty and eternally noble to put forth such offspring as us.  Yes, we are wonderful -- beautiful and strong -- but, we are mere creatures, small, finite.  How can we possibly be children of God?  If God had a form, it would reasonably be so completely unlike ours that the kinship would not only be unrecognizable, but also dubiously unbelievable. 

Yes.  Much like the acorn's kinship to the oak tree. 

And, further, to think that, as children of God, our destinies are to become like God... well, who can reasonably believe it?  And, yet, we know that "Mighty oaks from little acorns grow."

This is not about the science of seeds.  Nor is it an encouragement to think big.  My meditation here is upon the wonder of "what we shall be...". 

We have a tendency to think of our individual destinies or legacies in terms of forms that we readily know and understand.  It is not uncommon to think of immortality in this way.  We think in terms of children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, stretching on in generations of descendants after us.  Perhaps, we wish for fame -- recognition of our names and/or images by people a hundred, hey, a thousand, years from now.  Or, perhaps, we wish to leave as a legacy some great work -- a nation, a charitable foundation, a scientific breakthrough, a revolutionary invention, etc. -- that will beneficially shape the future for countless generations.  For this is how we know the great people of the past and how we are grateful that they ever existed.  In our blue and green sphere, spinning in our Milky Way, in what is knowable to us of the universe, these futures are what we can logically aspire to while knowing that they are rare.

But... what if our earthly forms, through which we can rationally know and understand other forms, are not whole and complete unto themselves.  What if they come from Mystery and are made to become like Mystery?  What if the fullness of our identities are orientated toward something greater than what can be known in the physical realm -- toward Someone greater, toward The Mysterious One, who is God, our Source and our Ultimate End?  Should we then be content to be mere adornment and food for bodily forms?  Is the whole of human worth self-pleasure or usefulness to the knowable universe?  Or... is there Something More?  Are we Something More?

It would be easy to live one's whole life as an acorn, and never recognizing the parent Oak, and never striving to become like such a tree ourselves.  Thus never recognizing and never striving, we will never allow the right circumstances to take place that will open us up to the fullness of who we are.  We will remain ignorant.  And we will die in the shell.

When death comes to us, and the confines of the finite drop away, will we see God as God is -- and in seeing God as God is, will we then recognize God's love for us, our kinship?  Or, will we think, in that glimpse, in that last moment of earthly forms in which we have staked all of our future, "Wow, what an amazingly resplendent Oak tree!  Too bad I'm just a nut" and never stretch out our arms to our Father?

Unpublished work © 2014 Christina Chase

 

 

For the Faithful Fail

Q: What does it take for evil to prevail?

A: For the good to do nothing.

Q: What, then, happens to the good?…

Psalms 12:1-2

1.    Help, LORD; for the godly man ceaseth; for the faithful fail from among the children of men.

2.    They speak vanity every one with his neighbour: with flattering lips and with a double heart do they speak.

How much of what you deal with every day is truth and how much is error and deception?  When we hear something over and over, from different sources in different places, we tend to take it as reality, without really thinking about it ourselves.  Have the different sources just been repeating what they heard without thinking for themselves, likewise?  Take, for example, religion.

Going to church

Perhaps, you have heard that church is for sinners – this from God-believing people who don’t feel the need to attend a church.  My great-aunt Gini told me this several times.  At first, I tried to rebuke her statement because she was trying to use it to prove that attendance of worship services should not be an integral, or required, part of faith.  But, I soon saw my error.  She was saying something very true: Church, or church attendance, or religion itself, is for sinners.  And every human being is a sinner, because no human being lives up to the fullness of his or her potential every moment of every day.

Accepting the truth

To be a sinner is not to be damned to Hell for eternity.  To be a sinner is to be a fallen human – and we are all fallen.  To recognize and acknowledge oneself as a sinner is to understand the divide between human and divine, between temporal love and eternal love, between partial beauty and goodness and the fullness of beauty and goodness.  This doesn’t mean that the divide is impossible to traverse – we, as humans, do not possess the inherent ability, but God grants us the ability through His Son, Jesus Christ, who is fully human and fully divine.  Through his life, passion, death, resurrection, and ascension and through our acceptance and reception of the divine mercy and love that pours forth from this Paschal Mystery through Christ’s Mystical Body, we are saved, we are redeemed.

Listening and understanding

See?  You might hear and repeat that “church is for sinners” and think that you don’t need to go to worship service – but you don’t understand what a sinner is or what church is.  As goodhearted a person as you may be, you will be dealing in errors and lies.  After realizing this, I responded to my aunt’s statement by saying, “Yep.  That’s why I go to church.  Because I’m a sinner.”  I didn’t point fingers at her – I pointed them at me.

“God is for sissies”

Or, perhaps you have heard that religion itself – that the worship of God – is for the frightened and weak-minded, the elderly, the suffering, the disabled, and the poor.  This false idea is much harder to rebut in the world, though it must be rebuked if we are to live in the truth.  The belief in and worship of God, or religion as I will call it here, is not merely a comforting mythology to keep the less-endowed people from feeling the sorrow of their pathetic lives.  How arrogant and deceitful a thought!

Prove it

Yet, how do we convince the self-deceived liars about the truth of religion?

Well, we certainly can’t do it by living in lies and errors ourselves.  We can’t demonstrate to the world the profound and universal power of religion for good, for beauty, for justice and for love if we gossip after church about all the things that we think other people are doing wrong in their lives, gossiping in lowered voices lest those other people hear us.

We can’t prove to the world the transcendent and imminent presence of God who loves every human being infinitely and intimately if we pass by panhandlers on the street with shameful looks, wondering what drug addiction those beggars are trying to use our money to fill, or if we respond to other calls for charitable donations with a closed, cautious wallet, stating that we can’t afford to help – and then open our wallets at Starbucks or for a third, fifth, 27^th (?) pair of shoes.

We can’t show the deep and abiding need for God and God’s mercy in every human being, even the richest and most successful, if we do not ourselves allow God’s mercy to flower in us so that we may forgive those who have hurt us, or even just irritated us, and be healed by that forgiving.

Good people

I just watched the movie Philomena.  Although I would not use it specifically as Catholic apologetics, I would share with you the “little old Irish woman” as she is portrayed in the film as an example of a healthy Catholic response of truth in a world full of deception, anger, shamed secrets, and lies.  She is a devoutly believing Catholic and, it would seem, a very simple human being.  She is certainly not well-educated or well-versed, and she is not going to be able to rebut her atheist, fallen-away Catholic companion with well-reasoned arguments or clever repartée.

But, she is very straightforward and humble.  She is not afraid to be a sinner – because she knows that everyone is – and, so, too, she is not afraid of sinners.  She is horribly wronged, wounded, betrayed, and deceived by nuns who profess the faith that she loves.  And she is angry.  So angry that, even though she seeks the healing of the Sacraments of her Church, she passes by them, so overcome with emotions is she.  In the end, however, she is able to do something that the witty, atheistic reporter accompanying her cannot: she can forgive.

Forgiving the nuns is hard for her, one of the hardest things that she’s ever done, but it is how she lives.  Forgiveness is how she lives because she has been living deep and true belief in and worship of God all of her life.  While some Catholics, like the reporter, have been swayed by their own disappointments, failures, cynicism, and the clever deceptions of the world to deny their faith and deny God, Philomena has remained true.  And he, the reporter, is smart enough to see the amazing and powerful value of Philomena’s faith.

Blessed are the poor – not because they can be easily fooled into believing comforting and valuable fairytales, oh no.  Blessed are the poor because they are not easily fooled into believing that God, who is the source of all existence and the truth of every loving life, is nothing but trivial nonsense.

© 2014 Christina Chase

In the Midst of Wolves

The world can be scary.

Matthew 10:16

Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.

Someone who is healthy, fit and strong can take care of herself.  She is self-sufficient, working a job to earn money for food, clothing, shelter – and fun, too.  She can get herself to and from work and wherever else she might like to go, she can feed herself, dress herself, and keep her body maintained, as well as her housing.  She does not need to depend on anyone particular, as she is a fully functioning part of society.

But, someone who is not healthy, fit or strong cannot take care of herself.  She is completely and directly dependent upon others for food, clothing, shelter – for survival.  She has no money with which to buy the things that she needs and, even if she did, she cannot physically put the food in her mouth, put the clothes on her body, or even move from one point to another.  If she were to be alone without another human being for more than two days, she would die.  I know because this is a description of me.

And it’s scary.

The only reason that I am not scared every day is that the little world of my family is a loving and gentle place.  My loved ones are not wolves.  They do not prey upon me in my vulnerability, but, rather, pray for me.  They are not heartless and careless, but, rather, thoughtful and attentive.  They are not selfish and stingy, but, rather, kind and generous.  My parents are living examples of sacrificial love – willing to give up their own time, energy, resources, and even physical comfort for my sake, so that I may survive and even thrive.  I am grateful every moment of every day for them, without end.

But….  They are getting older.

After 30 years of taking care of my physical needs all by themselves, we began getting assistance from home health aides a few hours a day, 2 to 5 days a week.  Right now, it’s four days a week for a total of 11 hours – assuming no one calls out.  I won’t say that it’s easy having strangers come and give me personal care.  It’s a lot like, “Hi, I’m Christina.  Would you like to see my bum?”  But, although the women who come start off as complete unknowns, after getting to know each other we usually like each other and get along very well.  In fact, although I have had many aides for only one day, those that last longer have been good people, genuine caregivers, no wolves among them.  Although, sometimes one might be a little rough or another a little sloppy, they generally give adequate care and sometimes even more than adequate.

The problem is that they are not my loved ones.  I cannot completely depend upon them because they have their own lives.  If my parents suddenly can’t take care of me because of their own health issues, none of them will jump into the 24/7 care.  Right now, my mother is unable to take care of me because of her severely injured back.  It’s all upon my dad… who woke up from back pain himself this morning.  And with one of my home health aides unavailable for much of the summer, the other one has had to fill in – even though she herself has back problems and I know that I am breaking her, too.

And that’s when I think about the world in which I live, my own helplessness, and how scary it all is.

I don’t want to go into a nursing home.  What fully cognitive person of 40 would?  Yet I know that this is my ultimate fallback.  And, truly, I am grateful to live in a society where someone like me will always be taken care of physically, one way or another.  We are not such a cruel and heartless people that we will allow the most vulnerable citizens of our country to perish because of disability.  Well, so far we aren’t.  So far, so good.  I know that I might very well end up in a nursing home one day, and I know that it will scare me.  Yes, physically, I would be in fatal trouble if I were without another human being for more than a day (dehydration is very serious for such a small, fragile body as mine) but, mentally, I would not make it more than an hour without another human being within earshot.  I have a terrible, paralyzing phobia of not being able to be heard.  Even a few minutes without someone responding to me makes me realize how utterly and completely helpless I am and I just freak out.  The wolfish fears of my mind have the power to devour me.

You know how believers always profess to love and trust in God?  I do that.  I profess to love God and to want to give my whole self to God, and to let Divine Will, not my will, be done.  But do I really mean it?  My test is this: if something horrible happened to my parents and sister and I had to live in a nursing home with nurses and aides who begrudgingly looked after my survival needs but who were not kind, who were mean – if this was my life, would I still love God?  Would I still thank God every day that I am alive?  Would I still be the accepting, joyful and loving person that I am?  Sometimes, I let the full terror of this scenario fall upon me, the dark misery of it, and my deep, deep answer is: Yes.  That’s what commitment is.  That’s what faith is.  I will love and serve God no matter what, no matter how painful, no matter how horrifyingly difficult it may be to live up to my beliefs.  I will not betray my love!

But I pray that I will not be put to the test!

The truth is that everyone everywhere is vulnerable.  We, as human beings, are all dependent in some way.  First of all, of course, we are dependent upon God for existence itself.  Then, we are dependent upon the created order, upon the earth and the resources of earth, for our survival.  And let’s not forget our absolute dependency in the womb, as well as our dependency upon adults in our infancy and early childhood.  Our dependency continues – even if we are physically healthy, fit and strong, for it is rare to find a hermit who does not receive something from someone or a self-sufficient survivalist who has not hoarded up a collection derived from others’ work.  And we know that the world can be a rough place.  Getting employment and housing can be difficult, living in a safe neighborhood is never a guarantee.  There are thieves and liars and murderers everywhere that humans live.  And even the kindest, gentlest people can be victims of horrendous crimes.  We are often sheep among wolves.

So, what are we to do?  We are to remain gentle.  We are to be loving and kind, selfless and generous.  But, we don’t want to be mindless.  To be thoughtful is to think of others as they are – beloved children of God who do not always live up to the divine image in which they are created.  Sometimes, people turn away from their humanity and become ravenous in their self-centeredness, using up others and tossing them away.  We must be mindful of that.  But we must not harden our hearts against them.  We must never seek to give them a taste of their own medicine – for then we would become vicious ourselves.  No, rather, we must be smart and use reason to work around people’s tendencies toward evil acts.  If I end up in a nursing home, I will know to use my sweetness, my patience and understanding in a very obvious and outward way, so as to disarm people in their brisk harshness and unthinking.  I will use my wits to discover their vulnerabilities – and I will have true sympathy.  I will do my best to become a friend to them – and then they will be more willing to be a friend to me.  And if this doesn’t work?  I will never turn mean myself.  I will try my best not to be vicious toward them.  Rather, I will accept the fullness of my vulnerability.  I will be as harmless as a dove.  And perhaps, someday, in some way, this will be for someone a sign of the Holy Spirit.

© 2014 Christina Chase